Because I said so....

I love acting.  I love doing it, and I love watching others do the same.  I am a fan of observing the process and seeing the product.  However, I am in grad school and sometimes I dread getting to class.  I have a hard time being in the room with anyone who claims to be an authority on anything, and I find that I spend a lot of time navigating through personalities, scholars, instead of creating something out of nothing, telling stories, building forts, and make- believing. I wish to move past this dread and learn from academics, or at the very least get a kick out of them.  I want to keep my options limitless, and relish in the mustard of solution burgers.  Outside of school, things function in service of the play, or the pay, and in academia that function is manipulated in service of higher learning, easily twisted, contradicted, and blinded by status.  You can teach a student by activating their inner critic, but that's not the way I like to learn, or teach.  I have to show up for these classes regardless of my point of view to graduate,  and so does every student.  I know you can learn more from bad teachers than the good ones, but I'm tired of looking at life through quasi self- help adjustments.  I also know too well that if I spot it, I have got it.  As my buddy and mentor, Uncle Mo might say, "Witnessing others do your character defects better than you is humbling, isn't it Weber!"  I'm not interested in being graded. I want to learn.  I'm a left handed kid in a right handed world.  I am a Montessori idealist with a public school education.   Your typical bisexual/poly-romantic in a  straight/gay world.  

It is clear to me that acting training is valuable, necessary, and rewarding for those that have the calling...remember to keep your sense of humor and use it.  There are lots of contradictions in academia and there is an abundance of hypocrisy to match.  This is perfect for acting, because acting training is a paradox.  Yes, human beings are fallible.  You will see your professor winging it, while looking at their cell phones for something meaningful, misquoting peers, and ancients masters one moment and then punishing a student for having their cell phone out the next.  Shaming a student for making a mistake and then chalking it under, "sense of humor," because let us face it, students can be at the whimsy of a what the professor had for breakfast.  There is lots of talking about the "industry" or "profession" as static, when truly it is only opinion, usually coming from a place of cynicism, and it is important to remember that  "the industry" doesn't exist.  We are entrepreneurs that create work or commit to another's vision.  We do this one project at a time.  When we look back on a series of projects,  it is called a career.  My professional experience is in no way indicative of the breath and scope of the entire industry and thank the dangling Christ for that.  There will be lots of talking about doing for hours.  There will be lots of assignments that give you heart burn, and will serve no greater purpose than busy work or lack of preparation on the teachers design of the syllabus.  There will be valuable skills introduced and touched on and never again mentioned.  While preaching non judgmental mentorship, teachers will reward and punish due to personal insecurity or attraction.  You will witness a lot of professors excel in the ole-do what I say, not as I do.  This behavior will call attention to itself, you won't have to go looking for it. There will also be those professors who will speak wisdom which will inspire the next 15 years of your life. You will no doubt meet a host of teachers who really see and hear you clearly; they will make you want to become a better human being.  You will most definitely meet your best friends, husbands, wives,  collaborators, and soul mates through this intense BA or BFA acting training and you will probably find your ultimate purpose for living on this planet. Not a bad trade off for putting up with some gas, induced by hot air espousing ass bags. 

I know this to also be true:  A play is a problem which actors try to solve in collaboration with the director.  Acting training is about increasing obstacles and tasks which challenge the actor's sensory capacity by using image, various tactics, and doing things to get the actor outside of his or her comfort zone. Then rinse, wash, and repeat, to gain mastery over the near impossible replication of atmosphere, emotion, and pursuit of an objective.  Play a game, make believe, and identify the character's wants....or possibly strong verbiage, identify the actor needs, or do none of that and all of that with commitment.  At the very least make believe with words in relationship with a scene partner, looking through the lens of your character, using the magic, "What if?" as a motivator.   Awesome, Great, I got it,  lets get to work....but ...ERRRMAHGERD......personalities, authorities..... Yes I've thought about calling it quits....why haven't I?  Because I am not about letting another persons point of view or opinion stop me from what I love to do.  For the most part I am in good company, and it has been worth every struggle and every joy.  Again I am not talking about teachers who challenge or disagree, or have high expectations...I'm talking about the person who gets mad at the student instead of helping them, who lets the student be confused without providing guidance.  I am talking about the teacher who has forgotten the credo to do no harm and leaves the student more fucked up and confused after the class then before.  The good teachers have helped me discover a new way of working through tension, while at the same time my head hurts from trying.  Polarity!   

I hope my thesis will be simple and helpful to the beginner, the undergraduate BA or BFA student, or the professional who hopes to make a dramatic change.  I'm gonna continue to lean towards the creators, and players while I try and give the academics my full attention.  It goes without saying that I don't want to be an authority on anything other than myself and my own experience.  If I can do this while helping other students honor theirs, then I have purpose. If I lean towards my inclinations and continue to ask questions, I'll be able to hear the stories that need to be told. 

I am grateful to be here, but I do miss my friends,  my comrades, peers, buddies, students, and the midwest way of life....I miss Chicago.  When I say that, I hear, “But it’s two degrees out there.” The weather is beautiful in California, but without the people I love to enjoy it with the sunshine can be extremely lonely.  

Sometimes it feels as if stress is a fabricated idea to justify bad habits.  Shouldn't I have the power to 1) NOT be a victim of my circumstances 2) Appreciate the fact that I'm alive and everything else is gravy.  Last semester I started to explore physical/mental awareness and sensuality.  Opening up to a more sensual experience, aka the senses for acting training: Sight, Sound, Taste, Touch, Smell. Working to increase the capacity of  my target and the relationship I have with myself and the role.  Moving from unfortunate situations to fortunate ones.  I want to continue to open up, and take up space.  I still believe how I talk about my life/work is how my life/work will be.  I am also curious about how I treat myself.  How do I reward and punish myself?   I quit smoking at the first of the year, and like all change, I'm scared shitless.  Letting go of a certain identity is scary.  Smoking is a real bitch of a relationship. I’ve had  moments of complete and utter powerlessness as I'm walking to the gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and then a flash of awareness of how I wish to treat myself and handle my emotions….sanity from insanity.  This semester I will focus on a goal for the outcome of each class.  I will be mindful of my very simple truth:  I love this thing called acting, I love doing it, and I love watching others do it.

I have a few projects I wish to work on besides Grad School:  A new film about psychedelics, The St. Patrick Origin project, and a Robin Hood story exploring teenage and twenties-somethings attitudes regarding current events: Then there is my continued interest in Capitalistic Realism and exploring attitudes regarding sex and sexuality, Sex as Violent and Competitive or Intimate and Receiving, (the ole pump and dump vs. making luuuuuuurrrrve) The football throwing homo bound by societies labels.  I would see this movie.  I am interested in my anxiety and how others cope with theirs as well. I hope to get the ole gang together for a couple of my Andre Gregory style rehearsals of my Parkour Hamlet this summer...things to look forward to for certain.  I want to travel to Europe.  I want to find a job on staff with a University that makes complete sense to me and the students.  I want to work with a talented ensemble as actor on a television or miniseries episodic prior to developing my Patrick series.  I need the experience as player before I go off to develop this mythic tale of magic and deception, the power of belief and delusion... "My god can kick your gods ass."  Right now, it's a deep breath and here we go.  We will be finished with this semester before we know it and I want it to matter.  I'm working to replace that feeling of dread with something else.... a smile, open heart,  and gratitude.  I want this time and space to make sense.  I am curious as to what gets the undergraduates in the room besides mandatory participation.  We have to show up to graduate, but isn't that an unfortunate way of looking at this time together?

Jeffrey Watkins, Artistic Director for the Atlanta Shakespeare Company, gave me a great piece of advice, “David, the most important choice an actor can make is to be in the room.”  So I continue to ask: How can I be in the room when part of me wishes I was anywhere else?  My actor/writer friend Elliot Baker once told me, "technique is only absent when it is present, and only present when it is absent" and that gets me curious to look at this thing called technique...that gets me in the room sometimes.  I've met some of the most amazing people in the world in these spaces.  In fact my BEST friends came from these gatherings.  This gives me hope more interesting events and people are right around the corner.  The thought keeps me showing up and looking around no doubt.  It all started with this inclination, this feeling that I'd do this thing called acting.  So far, it keeps me popping around where people gather to act.  I’ll trust and honor my past experience.  I'll have faith in that.